5/19-10:09PM

Today began my first return to school, with a linear reductional breed of confusing, better known as Matrix Algebra. Aside from whatever observations in the classroom exist- some call that learning- I was glad to pickup that there is a generational gap in confidence.
I noticed a group of men walking my direction on the way back to Hadrian and noticed the man in the center -always the center- controlling the conversation with one hand up in emphasis in every point. The person he was mainly talking to was gestured towards, so much so that the one hand was effectively right in the dead center of the listener's 'bubble'. This is something I noted I'd never seen before in anyone my age trying to vocally deliberate any privy knowledge to someone.
This contrasts quite a bit with our generation's brand of confidence, which lies not in the ability to communicate without fear, but instead, to detach without fear. I'd wager that since the mid-90's, the apparently attractive brand of confidence has lied in being able to be a thriving loner, in a manner that (paradoxically) attracts a certain following.
In short, from generation to generation, the leader will always take center and at least control a certain amount of the ebb and flow of any group, but in our generation, this drawing confidence in fact is one that feigns the ability to detach, to do it on our own, to be independent.
I see a fatal flaw, or at least a logical contradiction, because of this. Anyone who has a commanding influence who seeks to be alone from their own group is sure to come to a crossroads of conflict. It is better (in my opinion) to simply exist for our highest purpose, which is enough of a journey in life to figure out already, rather than set up roadblocks where we have to choose between two identities- the exile, or the collaborator to any degree- instead of naturally being assumed in to our identity as per the laws of Nature.
I see this in myself as one who wishes to lead, but relishes a reflection after every battle. I would create a certain contradiction if I wanted to be either a leader, or a loner, or both. But upon thinking on it, I see that my calling is that of a deliberator, a strategist, a wisdom driller. I seek to engage then reflect, to attune myself to the highest functioning level of myself- and one day I will attain it. Life truly is about the journey, and it is usually most fulfilling as a daily improvement that goes unquestioned.
It would seem I must not try, as we all wish good and personal improvement upon ourselves by seeking to risk something, but must train instead. In training lies all things that are attainable for oneself. Certainly I cannot accomplish more than I can accomplish, so it is only reasonable to focus on constant training to reach my highest form. In effect, 'train to attain'.