The days of Lent were fast approaching, enought ot strike a chord of desperation and then indecision into one preparing last moment; one who aspired to create a perfection bootcamp. This should have been the case for Maritius, but he felt gratitued instead of fear, since he had already decided a thousand times the causes he lent a sword arm to and the causes he lent his shield arm to.
  In the late hours of Mardi Gras he saw his way, visualizing- no, realizing- his way out into the desert. He would only fast and pray, except he did not possess the perfect heart, mind, and body, so he would happily adopt those endeavors too as orphans to his patronage- with the sort of loving but incredibly deliberate charity when one adopts someone, who is not naturally theirs.
   Maritius, as a broken and imperfect vessel of effort decided to charge down the fleeting and fleeing moment where one can do anything simply because thinking in terms of limits is too exhausting.
  As was his way, he made a list, mostly for the 40 days but some including the six as well, remembering that fasting is being struck by a lightning bolt of will power- for it is one's body given to understand that it could be nourished- but that the mind's authority infinitely supercedes the body in the way the heart and soul in union infinitely supercede the consequence of the mind (as they last forever and matter more).
  Maritius made the list of (six) knowing that completion would spearhead an era where one could train without experience and be numbered among the elite- something that contradicts all history and common knowledge- because Maritius would have chased perfection first. Experience is so valued among mortals because they are flawed and limited, and elite-experienced must have perceived some element of goodness through trial until little else remained.
  But one who seeks perfection before trial keeps the parts that would have been lost in trial (inevitably) and commits the salvaged parts too towards perfection under the command of the elements that had already achieved it or lived nearby.
1) No drinking unsocially
2) Willpower exercised 40+6
3) MWF workout system
4) Earlier starts
5) Full texting MWF
6) Full diet MWF, no trashing, preplan T-TH consumption
7) Fasting Fridays weeks 1-2, W+F weeks 3-4, MWF weeks 5-6.

Today I find the first official continuance of the Second 100 Days. It is almost invisible what has provoked me to begin this again- though the motives are hardly different from the days and the origin of the first 100-, or these compelling ingredients are so far on the frontier of my own identity that I can hardly find them in my mental map.
   It is hardly a thing of matter as to why, but what does matter is the trend of why's - or y's, as I'll soon outline- because from trends, especially in the abstract concepts, is where wisdom is mined. Or mined. I'm full of these today.
   In effect the concept of calculus -note not 'calculus itself', but 'concept'- is the central to what I can draw from my own situation. The why's are the first derivative, explaining handily the not the exact current position of where I stand in my own actions, but in fact, where it is going from wherever I call here. It is dx/dy. But wisdom is not the velocity, so to speak, but really the acceleration- the ability to predict anything non linear through the trend of velocity. So, wisdom finds itself being the second derivative of the position equation. It allows the prediction of anything that is not directly understood through observation.
   I believe that the mathematical human mind is not one of really complicated calculus (anything exponential), but rather is king of linear estimation. The why's of any situation, if comprehended correctly, can estimate where something will be when if that's all there is to it. The velocity is simply a rate, and estimates a linear direction (if logic and foresight were melded into a graph). Lines are straight, and we naturally understand how fast something is going. For example, we have zero trouble following a baseball at 95 MPH with our eyes even though it has a hugely limited number of frames per second (meaning there's only datapoints being taken in). However, any human mind fills in the gaps, and this is why cartoons- and really pushing it, anime- are bearable.
  But wisdom is what not everyone is outfitted with and is therefore rare and finally therefore of utmost importance. People have no troubles  with their linear calculation programs, even if they only understand a simple two datapoints- they will instantly understand that one became the other in the straight and simple fashion of a line. Wisdom, or acceleration, or dy^2/dx, is insanely different and requires a method and rules. It cannot be fired from hip and must be done in order. You seldom see wisdom outside of those people who realize many trends bleeding into one simplified one.
  So, understanding the trend of the why's- or the explanations of events- can help predict the future and assess probable consequences. No wonder the wisest figures will most often remain ardent and lowly students of history, because they have everything condensed into event-reasoning-lesson/aphorism. It seems history is somehow the petri dish for this sort of thinking- and remember that calculus cannot skip a derivative, but must go from position to velocity to acceleration- because it is always structured, and many events, no matter how similar can yield much of a lesson without a similarity in the why's and a rough kinship (like "it's in the same family" kind of kinship) in position equation from which the wisdom is pulled.
  Therefore both similarity in the events of life and the reason why's must be scoured for coincidences (which are simply potential wisdom mine shafts) to draw the lesson that would otherwise go unnoticed in the world of linear thinkers.

5/19-10:09PM

Today began my first return to school, with a linear reductional breed of confusing, better known as Matrix Algebra. Aside from whatever observations in the classroom exist- some call that learning- I was glad to pickup that there is a generational gap in confidence.
I noticed a group of men walking my direction on the way back to Hadrian and noticed the man in the center -always the center- controlling the conversation with one hand up in emphasis in every point. The person he was mainly talking to was gestured towards, so much so that the one hand was effectively right in the dead center of the listener's 'bubble'. This is something I noted I'd never seen before in anyone my age trying to vocally deliberate any privy knowledge to someone.
This contrasts quite a bit with our generation's brand of confidence, which lies not in the ability to communicate without fear, but instead, to detach without fear. I'd wager that since the mid-90's, the apparently attractive brand of confidence has lied in being able to be a thriving loner, in a manner that (paradoxically) attracts a certain following.
In short, from generation to generation, the leader will always take center and at least control a certain amount of the ebb and flow of any group, but in our generation, this drawing confidence in fact is one that feigns the ability to detach, to do it on our own, to be independent.
I see a fatal flaw, or at least a logical contradiction, because of this. Anyone who has a commanding influence who seeks to be alone from their own group is sure to come to a crossroads of conflict. It is better (in my opinion) to simply exist for our highest purpose, which is enough of a journey in life to figure out already, rather than set up roadblocks where we have to choose between two identities- the exile, or the collaborator to any degree- instead of naturally being assumed in to our identity as per the laws of Nature.
I see this in myself as one who wishes to lead, but relishes a reflection after every battle. I would create a certain contradiction if I wanted to be either a leader, or a loner, or both. But upon thinking on it, I see that my calling is that of a deliberator, a strategist, a wisdom driller. I seek to engage then reflect, to attune myself to the highest functioning level of myself- and one day I will attain it. Life truly is about the journey, and it is usually most fulfilling as a daily improvement that goes unquestioned.
It would seem I must not try, as we all wish good and personal improvement upon ourselves by seeking to risk something, but must train instead. In training lies all things that are attainable for oneself. Certainly I cannot accomplish more than I can accomplish, so it is only reasonable to focus on constant training to reach my highest form. In effect, 'train to attain'.